My Life

Life is nothing if not interesting.  No matter how well you plan, or what you want for your life, sometimes things happen and life has it's own plans.  I've been faced with some things lately that, while they've come about because of my own decisions, they are far from what I ever planned to have happen.  Sometimes you just go along, thinking you're doing the best you can, and you don't realize until it's too late that your best isn't good enough.  It's a hard realization.  Because of that, I've had a lot of moments of questioning myself...my worth, my abilities, my value.  I tend to internalize things a lot and not express what I'm feeling.  I have some wonderful friends, but I don't tend to unload my problems on them.  So this is something I've been dealing with alone.  Finally this week, I opened up to two very special people, who both mean very much to me for different reasons.  Neither of them were able to solve my problem....and in fact, I am not sure that there is a solution for my problem.  But I wanted to thank these two dear, wonderful friends.  You were there for me when I needed you.  You gave me your ear, your shoulder, and your kind, caring, and non judgemental compassion.  You helped me to believe in myself a little bit again, and I love you both very much.

In the process of the last few months, in addition to the bad choices I've made, I've hurt someone who had become incredibly important to me.  The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Matthew, but I did.  And I've learned that "I'm sorry" doesn't always make things better.  Sometimes when you hurt someone you care for, you don't always get a second chance.  And you don't realize the worth of what you had until you've lost it.  I know it doesn't make things better, or change what happened, but I'm so, so sorry Matthew.  You are an amazing person and I will alway regret damaging our relationship.

I'm a very musical person.  I listen to music when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm depressed, when I'm working, when I'm working out, when I'm driving....pretty much always.  I've found a few songs that have literally got me through the last few weeks.

I heard this song for the very first time one day when I was having a very, very hard day.  I was feeling very low.   

 

I got this song from my friend Stacey.  I just love it.   

 

This song is an old friend and favorite.  I cried the first time I ever heard this song.  Since that night, it's been my go to song when I'm down.  When Josh hears it playing on my iPod or laptop, he immediately comes to me and gives me a hug, and says, Just so you know, I love you.  I think that means I'm predictable!  

I just read something from someone called the FlyLady, who teaches women how to take control of their homes and lives.  She teach people to learn to FLY....Finally Love Yourself.  That's what I'm working on.  I'm working on learning to forgive myself for my shortcomings and learning to realize that it's OK--that even when I fail, or let down the people who depend on me, I'm still OK.  And with the amazing friends I'm blessed with, I must be doing something right!